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On Go-Kart Racing

From Chris Kaminski, a concerned Mom, on the subject of go-kart racing:

I am the mother of a 6-year-old who is involved in Karting (Go-Kart racing). This was his first year being involved in this sport. He took to it immediately, and has been having the time of his life. His Grandfather owns the kart which he bought for all the grandchildren, but my son has been the only one to race this season.

My son has, in my opinion, been the epitome of a standup athlete. He has been the first to congratulate the other young drivers if they have won, and every other child who ran the race. He has also been there to congratulate the drivers on a good race when he has been the fortunate one to win the race. He has been quite successful, but has had a healthy dose of winning, and losing.

The problem is the last night of the season, my son came in 2nd, 1st, and finally 2nd. On the third, and final race, he spun out three times on a corner that he consistently has had trouble with, but was able to recover, and come in 2nd. Apparently before I could get to the pits, my father-in-law (Grandpa) got in my son's face, and told him his driving was pathetic, and of all his races this was his most horrible. More was apparently said, but I was not there to hear this. All I know, is that by the time I reached my son, he was sobbing hysterically, and calling himself a "loser", and his driving is "pathetic". I tried to console him, and let him know that I was very proud of him. To me it has never mattered which position he comes in, as long as he tries his best, and is a good sport that is all that matters. I tried to have my son calm down enough to say goodbye to some of the other little boys, and their parents, but he was too humiliated and basically at this point threw a tantrum that he wanted to get to the car. Please keep in mind, that my son's tantrum did not involve yelling at anyone or saying any sassy words, he was just unable to stop crying, and he just kept calling himself a loser.

My father in law took this opportunity to go at him again, and was yelling at my son to "not feel sorry for himself", the rest again I was unable to hear, because I couldn't push these other parents out of my way. My husband, after talking when we got home, felt his father owed our son an apology. At a later date, my husband and father in law spoke, and Grandpa feels that he does not owe our son an apology, and that it is our 6-year-old who owes him an apology for throwing a "tantrum".  Grandpa also threw in that if our son's actions continue he will sell the kart. Am I missing something?

This has created quite the controversy, and to hear my son call himself "pathetic, and a loser" is just heart wrenching. If it is up to me, I am planning to buy a kart for our son, and allow him to be free just to enjoy himself as he is learning. I feel there is no place for an adult to put this much pressure on an impressionable child of any age. I feel at that point, we (my husband, son, & I) are in control of his racing, and if Grandpa would like to be involved he can certainly do so, only if he can carry himself in a mature manner. I strongly feel Grandpa owes our son an apology. Am I being an overbearing mother, who is coddling her child, or was Grandpa wrong, or am I missing something?  

I am having sleepless nights over this, and my son has been emotionally effected by this. Grandpa has talked with my son, and has decided that he does not owe him an apology, nor will he ask my son to apologize to him. Where is the maturity? My 6-year-old son is very heartbroken about this, but somehow he has it in his mind that it was his fault, and Grandpa didn't do anything wrong.  

I would greatly appreciate any advice.

Answer: Your letter was absolutely heartbreaking. It is difficult to understand how a supposedly mature adult could treat a young child in the manner you describe in your letter. Unfortunately, abusive and overzealous coaches come in all forms, young, old, male and female and in all sports. Age is not a guarantee for maturity, as you have learned.

Clearly, your father-in-law reacted in a way that is totally inappropriate and inexcusable. Fortunately you were in a position to overhear his comments and see the devastating impact they had on your child. Now you must take steps to prevent further abuse of your child by his grandfather. Was your husband a witness to his father's deplorable actions? I would hope so since you will need his support to avoid further conflicts and complications. Rest assured, you are not coddling your child by feeling that his grandfather's actions were inappropriate... they certainly were.

That your father-in-law does not understand, even in retrospect, that his actions were wrong is a very bad sign and an indication that, in similar circumstances, he would behave in the same way again.

To avoid further abuse of your son, your child should not continue racing using Grandpa's go-kart. You and your husband should make it clear to Grandpa that his involvement in your son's racing activities have been severed as a result of his behavior towards your son and that his is no longer welcomed in the pits or at the races (assuming he continues to race using your own kart). The abuse to which your child was subjected will need time to heal. Help him to find the pleasure in his sport once again. Explain to your son that his go-kart activities should be fun, exciting and enjoyable. Explain to him that Grandpa was overreacting and that you apologize for Grandpa's actions. But don't dwell on the negatives about Grandpa or the outcome of the race. Emphasize the fact that he was able to do so well in the race despite problems in that troublesome turn. Ask him what he did to recover from the spins and how he was able to make up for the lost time. Praise him for his remarkable accomplishments. He is only six years old, yet able to drive a racing car so well. He should feel good about himself and his abilities. After all, how many six year-olds does he know who can do that? Up until this bad experience, it sounds as if he was both having fun and learning. It is a shame that his grandfather ruined that.

Right now do not put pressure on him to race or to win. If you do buy a kart of your own, try to use it often in non-racing situations with other family members or with several of your son's friends. Your son is far too young to have to deal with the adult imposed pressures of extreme competition. He should be enjoying the experience.

Having said all of that, I must add I am surprised to learn that a six-year-old is racing cars, albeit go-karts, competitively. Riding occasionally in a go-kart for fun may be one thing but racing one competitively is something else. Kids should participate in age appropriate sports and activities. Is competitive car racing an appropriate activity for a six-year-old? I think not.

Thank you for your letter Chris and I wish you and your son the very best. Please keep in touch and let me know how things turn out.