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Turned Off of Football

A question from Rene, in Texas...

I want you to know how happy I am to find your website! I live in Texas and it is 4am and I couldn't sleep due to the fact that tomorrow, we have football practice. So, I logged on hoping to find a different type of youth organization in our area than what we are currently in. Unfortunately, I didn't find one in this area, but I think your website will help me to either learn how to handle what we are currently in, or perhaps encourage me to start a youth organization of my own!

My son is 9 years old. This is his first year to play football. He begged and pleaded to play (his cousin is playing). I tried to discourage him from playing because I knew he didn't realize how hard it would be physically and mentally. He is now playing football.

He has never been in sports before. He has, up to this point, basically been a "computer" kid. He is big for his age (not overweight). His coach expects a lot of him because of that. His body is not conditioned for sports as he's never played before. He cannot even get in the three point stance due to tight muscles. He is also scared to hit very hard or be hit. He is not a coach's dream. BUT, he wanted to play so bad, and the first few practices he loved it. But over time the coaching has become a little harder and there are more expectations. They are on their third game this weekend.

My son breaks down today, well yesterday, and tells me how much he hates football now. After an hour of talking with him, it all came down to the fact that 1) it is not fun, 2) he thinks he can't do anything right, 3) the coaches don't understand and won't listen to him when he tells them why he can't do this or that (like, get in the three point stance the way they want him to),  4) when they have to run he is always last or next to last.

I know this does not sound so bad. But, he was in tears. He wants to quit. This was suppose to be fun and teach him about football and prep him a little for future sports, build his self esteem and allow him to be around kids his age. (I home-school).  It has not done any of these things... just the opposite.

I'm a single mom. I have two daughters also. One is just a baby, but the other is 7 years old. She is wanting to play soccer in January.  (PANIC)

This has been such a negative experience for both my son and me. I want them to be involved in sports, but not if it has to be negative.

I don't want to be an over protective mom, and I'm not sure where you draw the line. I don't see very much encouraging going on anymore at practices. A bunch of dads telling them what they aren't doing right. I sat at the last practice, during a scrimmage, and watched ELEVEN dads coming on and off the field yelling at this kid or that kid for something or other. It made me nauseous and was very hard to sit and allow it. I'm just heartsick for my son. This started out as such an exciting adventure for him and now is such a burden and heartache.

I've gone through being the "peppy" encouraging mom, to the "yelling and "suck it up" mom", to the "quiet and not knowing what to do" mom to the "I'm going to throw up before practice" mom. All in a month's time. My poor kid!

When we play baseball with family at the lake, it is so much fun and the kids enjoy it so much. That is the mom I am tonight. :)

Can little league sports be that way??  

I don't know what is "overprotective" and what is reality. My gut tells me the lake thing is the way it should be, not what we are involved in. I told my son he could not quit because he made a commitment to this team by signing up. I don't know if that is the right thing to do. I don't want one more day of people who do not know or care about my child telling him he isn't doing anything right or that they "don't want to hear his excuses".

I want him to see the progress he has made, the potential he has and I want him to be having fun. I'm confused and worried and not sure what to do. I want to let him quit, but don't feel that is a very good lesson. "When it gets tough... quit".  I think he would love football. He did at first. Why would that change?

I am going to get your book "Mom, Can I Play Football". The site doesn't say, but I am hoping it is in bookstores because I want to read it TODAY.

I guess, all this explanation is in hopes that you may be able to offer some insight or advice just to get us through today's practice! My son will cry before we go... and I don't know how to respond or what to say to him that is "wise" or "comforting".

PLEASE  HELP!

Like most youngsters starting out in a sport, your son is facing a new situation and new challenges, both physically and emotionally. He expected football to be a fun and enjoyable experience and it can and should be. However, his initial enthusiasm has been undermined by insensitive coaches who don't seem to understand that children develop and learn at different rates and that not all players who want to play are superstars.

There are basic things your son must learn and skills he must master to some extent in order to play and enjoy the game and as I've said, players learn and develop at different rates. They all respond differently to different types of instruction. Successful coaches make accommodations for the differences between players. They see how players are responding and make adjustments to their demonstrations as necessary.  Above all they are positive influences. Too many youth coaches assume players know how to do things and do little to properly demonstrate what they want players to learn. Then they criticize the player personally for failing to perform properly. Coaches should encourage not discourage young players. They should critique the player's technique, not the player. While the player is learning to master the technique, coaches should praise and encourage effort.

You may know better than the coaches how your son responds to instruction in new situations and if so perhaps you can help him. For example, is he more verbal or more hands-on? Does he understand what the coaches are trying to teach him. If you attend his practices, keep your eye out to see what the coaches are trying to teach him then try working with him at home. Talk with him about what happened at practice and have him demonstrate what drills they worked on. Remind him that he doesn't have to be the fastest player on the field to play well. A wise youth coach once said "Not everybody can do everything in football, but every body can do something." Most players on a football team are not fast runners, nor do they have to be. Because of his size he may turn out to be a very capable offensive or defensive lineman, maybe even a hard running fullback. As a football player, his size is an advantage. Encourage him to master the skills that will allow him to take advantage of his size, one of which is a good three point stance.

Mastering a good, sound three point stance is a challenge for most new players, especially the bigger kids, but it is one of the most important skills. It is the key to the player's next move which is to "fire out" of his stance either to make a block, hit a hole or penetrate on defense. Most kids start off in what I call a "frog" stance, sitting on their heels. They are unstable and easily knocked over backwards. More over, their first move from such a stance is to stand up, not "fire out." The basics of a good three point stance are these:
  - start with the feet slightly more than shoulder width apart
  - the right  foot may be slightly behind the left but do not put one foot far behind the other as in a sprinters stance.
  - bend the knees and the waist and put the fist of the right hand on the ground, midway between the feet and out in front of the head to form a triangle with the feet
  - keep the head up and raise the butt up (do not sit on the heels)
  - weight should be distributed between the down hand and the feet
You can work with your son to find a three point stance that is comfortable and correct. It will help him a lot.

It is not surprising nor uncommon that your son is tentative about hitting and being hit. Some kids are very aggressive right from the start, while others work into it in time. I have had many kids run the other way at the start of the season rather than make a tackle. Before too long, though they were enjoying the drills and the hitting.

Initial tackling drills should be preceded by walk-thru drills in which players are taught the proper mechanics. The tendency is for kids to lower their head and hit with the top of the helmet in making tackles. This technique is dangerous and coaches must stress that players keep their "heads up." Coaches also need to recognize which players are tentative and attempt to match the tentative ones together in initial blocking and tackling drills. If a tentative player is matched up with a very aggressive tackler early on, the experience may be traumatic. The tentative player likely will be even more afraid to hit after such an experience. Handled carefully though, the tentative players learn that they can hit hard and not get hurt. After a few practices the fear decreases and by the end of the season most players like to tackle and hit. Again, not all kids progress at the same rate. So don't worry if your son is tentative right now. Remember also that his size gives him a potential advantage. I would guess he is probably stronger than most of the other kids. That's a definite asset. Remind him of it and explain how it can help him to play better.

I think, for the moment, you are doing the right thing by telling your son not to quit. His quitting will not influence the unacceptable coaching situation. On the contrary, it will accomplish what the coach probably intended which is to get rid of a "marginal" player. Instead, you should talk to the head coach and tell him how you both feel. Explain that your son was extremely enthusiastic at the start but now hates football because of they way he has been treated. You should use the words your son said to you:
  1) it is not fun,
  2) he thinks he can't do anything right,
  3) the coaches don't understand and won't listen to him when he tells them why he can't do this or that. (like, get in the three point stance the way they want him to),
  4) when they have to run he is always last or next to last.

As a parent you have both the right and the responsibility to demand that the coaches not abuse your child. You must tell the coach that you will not tolerate abusive or irresponsible treatment. Explain specifically what you believe irresponsible, insensitive or abusive treatment is. Explain that you are encouraging your child to continue to participate, not be a quitter and that you are teaching him to always try to do his best and to respect his teammates and his coaches. Explain also that you expect that his coaches will treat him fairly and with respect and dignity. If things do not change for the better, take your case to the local league officials. Let them know that you expect changes in coaching methods. Certainly,  if you believe your child is being abused, notify the authorities immediately. If things still do not improve, take your child off the team and notify the local media of the situation and ask that they investigate.

The situation you describe is far too common these days but it is receiving more and more attention in the media. There are horror stories every week about irresponsible actions by coaches and parents involved in kids sports. Changes must be made.

Much of what I have said in this letter is discussed in my book  Mom, Can I Play Football? From what you've said, your son's coaches and the fathers on the team should all read and heed what is in the book.

Youth football is not about Super Bowls, playoffs or winning championships. It's about playing, having fun  and learning. There is no reason that your son should take verbal or emotional abuse from a group of insensitive, immature adults just because he wants to play and enjoy the game of football.

Good luck and please let me know how things turn out.

An update...

(Click here to read the story from the beginning...)

I have contacted a different organization in this area who will allow me to organize our own teams, pick our own coaches and teach the kids the way we choose. My son is excited and is looking forward to getting to play football under a new coaching system.

I'm excited as well to have the opportunity to possibly make a difference in youth sports. I am also terrified of the responsibility, the way it may be viewed. Also, the fact that I would like to be able to "prove" that positive reinforcement works just as well or better than the negative we experienced. Just in mentioning it to a few others, I have come up against statements like "adversity makes them better players." "My daughter is where she is at now due to poor coaching, she had to prove she could, when they were saying she couldn't... look at her now."

I want to thank you for your website and book. If it weren't for coming across this, I would never have the guts to attempt starting my own organization. I would've just believed that sports weren't for me or my kids, even though they both want to play.

Both my son and daughter have signed up for baseball/softball. I'm really nervous, but they wanted to play. Here we go again. :)  (we skipped soccer because I didn't feel I had the emotional energy to go through another sport right after football!)

I was told that this is the best time to "recruit" for football season.

My question is... can I use your information and bits and pieces from your website to help the parents understand what type of organization I am trying to create? I am not at all familiar with copyright laws and such and do not want to overstep any boundaries.

I am not surprised that the problems you wrote to me about several months ago did not improve. It is difficult to change a coach who doesn't have compassion for his players and your son's coach certainly did not have any.

I commend you for contacting a different group and for volunteering to set up the right kind of program. I wish you the best of luck in creating a positive sports experience for your children and for other children. You are doing the right thing.

Of course you may use the information, articles and stories on my web site as you see fit in support of your new project. Also I would suggest that you contact the National Alliance of Youth Sports and inquire about chapters in your area. Visit their website at http://www.nays.org - they provide training and certification for youth coaches and would have a great deal to offer.

I will be happy to assist you in any way that I can. Please don't hesitate to contact me with questions or to discuss problems you may be having.

My best regards to you and your children. Keep up the positive work for kids' sports.