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Too Much Pressure During Hockey Play-Offs?

My son is 8 years old and a talented hockey player. He is a very well-rounded kid does well in school and has a very close relationship with his dad and I. He loves the game of hockey and is always working at improving his game. He just finished his 4th season of winter hockey and we are seeing a disturbing pattern in how he handles important games, ex. play-off games, tournament games. He just can not seem to handle the pressure of these important games and just seems to shut down. We have tried many different tactics and we just can not seem to help him overcome this problem. How can we help him to relax and believe in himself to play at the same level that he is capable of all year?

As I'm sure you are aware, there are many and important benefits for youngsters who participate in organized youth sports. Unfortunately with some competitive programs there are also significant problems and one of those problems is the pressure that intense competition brings.

Usually pressure on young players comes from outside sources, not from within the individual player. Without knowing very much about your son's circumstances or the history surrounding his involvement in hockey, other than what you have told me, I would suspect that he is the victim of outside pressures to perform/win.

That pressure could be coming from the program, from his coach, the fans or even from you, his parents. I am sure he wants to do well in games and is anxious to please both of you and his coach. In too many situations "doing well" and "pleasing the parent or the coach" translates to winning the game. Kids feel that way because adults today put such importance on winning. For example, if parents didn't attend a game, the first question they usually their young player is "How'd you do - Did you win?"

These days winners are glorified and losers are vilified. This is what intense competition brings although it is not necessarily a by-product of organized youth sports.

Youth sports can and should be all about participation, having fun and developing skills. Success should be measured in how much a player has developed or improved and whether he or she enjoyed the experience. Youth sport programs that focus on won/loss records, championships, play-offs, post-season tournaments and such become more about winning than about fun, participation and developing skills.

Please don't misunderstand, competition is not a bad thing, nor is playing to win. Striving to win, not winning, is the very essence of competition. Kids typically love to compete against each other. Healthy competition gives them an opportunity not only to have fun but also to test themselves and measure their skills and their development progress. In the process children develop confidence and feelings of self worth.

In too many youth sports programs, competition between kids has escalated into competition between adults. Play-offs, tournaments, MVPs and championships make winning very important. These things are spin-offs from high revenues sports and help to undermine the youth sports experience for many children and certainly accounts for an intense pressure on the participants.

You indicated that your son is 8 years old and has been playing hockey for 4 years (i.e. he started as a 4-year old). That in itself is surprising. A child of 4 is seldom ready, emotionally or physically, to deal with today's organized youth sports experience.

I would suspect that, because you have described your son as a talented player, he probably "played up" (played in older age group) or may be "playing up" today. It sounds as if you are pushing him (even though he may be willing) in the sport and that your expectations of him are quite high and that he senses this.

This may be the root cause of his difficulty in competitive scenarios like play-offs, etc. He may feel that you expect him to be a "winner" and that if he or his team doesn't win he will have let you down. That is not easy for most young kids to deal with, especially an 8-year old.

You asked "How can we help him to relax and believe in himself to play at the same level that he is capable of all year?" Perhaps you should consider that some of the pressure he is under may be coming from you. If so, you both need to relax or back off a bit in how you react to his performances on the ice.

He needs to know and understand that you love and support him however he plays and whatever the outcome of any game. I am sure that you love your son and are trying to help him, not pressure him. You see him through the eyes of an adult and you may not be aware that how you react on a regular basis may be having a negative affect on him.

Explain to him that he has your unconditional love and support. Be encouraging and positive. He is still learning, he will make mistakes now and then and will learn from them. Don't focus on his mistakes. Help him set achievable goals for himself (not in terms of winning but in terms of self improvement) and encourage him to always try his very best. If he can do this, he will certainly be a success in sports and in life.