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Playing Time Concerns

An complex question from Steve. A bit long, but worth the read:

I am writing this in hopes that you can give me some guidance on a situation that has transpired this basketball season. I am looking for some advise on how to discuss this with my daughter, what questions to ask and the proper way I should proceed with her decision.

I have a 15 year old / 9th grade daughter that is playing basketball on the 9th grade team at our high school. Her name is Lindsay. Lindsay has been playing basketball since the 3rd grade. Through 6th grade, her involvement was primarily "recreational". Once she entered Middle School, it became a little more serious. During her 7th grade year, she started every game, played well over 1/2 the game and was a major contributor to the team. During her 8th grade year (with a different coach), she mostly sat the bench and probably played 6 minutes a game (out of 24). I was worried that at the end of the season she would "pack it in" but she came out of this experience with renewed enthusiasm.

She was really excited about her 9th grade year. She had a great relationship with her coach and felt that her skills had improved over the summer. When practice started and up until around Thanksgiving, she had earned a starting spot on the team. About 2 days before their first game, she turned her ankle which caused her to miss about 2 1/2 weeks. Upon being release to begin playing/practicing, she understood that she would probably be "starting all over again" as it relates to her status on the team. In the two game before Christmas, she played about 12 minutes a game (out of 32) and was somewhat satisfied. She felt that over the Christmas break and the half a dozen practices, she could regain her status on the team and begin to receive more playing time after the first of the year.

The first few games after the new year, she was playing about 12 to 14 minutes. But this is when I started to see (and hear) her disappointment. She was routinely outplaying some of the girls that were receiving more minutes. But still, she got 12 to 14 minutes. Then the unexpected happened. During one game in mid January, she got in for a total of 6 minutes. I guess the obvious question is "maybe she wasn't playing very good". Just the opposite. She went into the game in the 2nd quarter, scored 5 points, had one steal and played flawless defense. Basically, no obvious reason for her to sit. After that game, she told me that she wasn't going to play after this season. I asked why. Here first reaction was that she wasn't having fun and it wasn't worth it if that was all she was going to play. Of course I used the "it is only one game" thing but she didn't really want to talk. So I left her alone.

For the next few games, her playing time went up slightly to the 10 to 12 minute range. But still her reaction after every game was it really wasn't worth it. During this time, she kept saying that she wasn't having fun sitting on the bench and watching other girls play when she routinely outplayed them. In fact I was afraid that I was missing something so I sat down and "graded" 3 games (just like the coaches do) and found that Lindsay was the 3rd most productive player on the team (both offensively and defensively) but was receiving about the 8th most minutes. In fact 3 of the starters were the 4th, 5th and 8th most productive players on the team (offensively and defensively) but were receiving the most minutes of all the players.

Then in one game in late January, Lindsay went in, played 25 minutes and lead the team in almost every category. After the game, she expressed "how much fun" this game was. 
The next game she played about 20 minutes. The next two, she played in the 15-18 minute range. Then last week - again for no rational reason, she got a total of 6 minutes. In her 6 minutes, she scored 3 points, had one steal, forced one turnover and the girls she was guarding did not score. After the game, she informed me she was done at the end of the season.

Last night, Lindsay played about 20 minutes and again lead the team in every category. After the game I approached Lindsay to tell her that she had a great game. Her reaction was that the coach didn't feel that they played worth a crap and she was feed up with busting her butt, getting criticized for it and then getting jacked around with playing time (from previous games). I just left it alone.

I guess my main concern is that the real reason that she is contemplating not playing basketball again is not the fact that she isn't having fun in the game of basketball, it is due to the fact that sitting the bench, getting yo-yo minutes, seeing players of lesser skill receive more playing time, etc... isn't fun. And I am really struggling with the fact that I feel that she is wanting to "retire" for the wrong reasons. If the game is truly not fun anymore, then fine. But I think it is all the "outside" things that aren't fun and I don't feel that she is looking at the entire picture and taking everything into account.

I have talked to her about this on several occasions and have also discussed the fact that if she does not participate in basketball next year that she is probably done for the rest of her life (the coaches don't take too kindly to kids not wanting to go out one year and then coming out the next year). I know that this is hard to portray in an e-mail, but if you could just see her face when she is on the court, she is having fun. I guess I am struggling with the fact that I am afraid that a very talented young lady is going to give up something that she truly enjoys, for possibly the wrong reasons. I have not approached the coach (I don't believe in this) but Lindsay has talked to her a few time and is told that "everything is fine". I realize that she is going through some tough times but I am afraid that when she gets into "real life" and things get a little tough or don't work out the way she wanted, she is going to look for the same route as her basketball career. But, I am just dad and love my daughter and would do anything for her. I am just unsure how to handle this situation.

I apologize for the length of this e-mail. I wanted to give you as much information as possible in hopes that you could give me some direction and guidance.

She obviously enjoys playing basketball and, from what you have said, although not a superstar, she is undoubtedly one of the better players on the team. As you are aware, coaches have varying philosophies about playing time. Many coaches at Lindsay¹s level of play experiment during a game with certain player combinations looking for that elusive but unique mix of skill/talent that produces the type of offense or defense the coach is seeking. That may be what accounts for the ³unaccountable² variation in her court time. 

Generally speaking, playing time becomes more of an issue for players as the level of competition increases (which is why many of the "average" players drop out as they get older) although I am a believer that at the grade school through middle school level all team members should have an opportunity to play a significant amount of time to learn and develop their skills I am also of the opinion that the really good and concerned coach will be able to accomplish this objective without out turning off any member of the team, regardless of skill. This special type of coach, dealing with each player as an individual, considers the feelings of all the players ensuring each player understands his or her role on and contribution to the team.

Often times, however, coaches aren't that caring or sensitive to the psyches of these young players and feelings are impacted as a result. An especially sensitive or compassionate child is more likely to be affected than an arrogant or overconfident one. Lindsay may be in the former category. In any event, she is having a difficult time reconciling the apparent disparity in contribution vs reward (playing time) equation she is experiencing as a member of this current team.

Unfortunately, life is not always fair, as Lindsay is starting to learn. And though we would like things to be different, children should be taught that how they deal with and react to difficult times helps shape their character and is a vital part of maturing as a responsible adult. This is really the point that you were making when you said, "I am afraid that when she gets into 'real life' and things get a little tough or don't work out the way she wanted, she is going to look for the same route as her basketball career."

Therefore, I would encourage her to continue to play basketball because she has a special talent and I would remind her that because she is truly a talented player, it is increasingly likely that she will soon be rewarded and recognized for her effort and her commitment to the sport she loves. If she continues to work hard to improve all aspects of her game, she will force her high school coach to recognize her basketball value.

At the same time, you should also remind her that her worth as a person has little to do with her skills or accomplishments on the basketball court and more to do with her values and the respect, concern and treatment she has for others. Remind her as often as possible that you love her - not because she is a good basketball player but because she is a kind, compassionate, bright, responsible and articulate individual.

Having said all that, I would not however, force her to play if she ultimately and genuinely decides that the effort and commitment to the game is not worth the enjoyment she derives - after all that too is a valid and mature decision. It should be a decision with which you and she both can be comfortable.